Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike anticipates some discussion coming out of this one
Tue Jun 14, 2005 at 04:33:19 pm EDT
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A few months behind schedule: Mr. Epitome #41
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Mr. Epitome #41


“Taking Meetings”


Previously: Mr. Epitome and his Office of Paranormal Security were being investigated by Congress for possible ethical and procedural violations. One of the investigators is FBI Special Agent Clarice Grackle, and old associate of Epitome’s. Meanwhile, a mysterious figure known as the Forgotten Man plots against the government…


“Lisette?”

Laurie Leyton looked up from her Chai tea at the mention of her second name, “Yes, and you must be… Ordnance?” she asked the young man with the dirty blond hair.

“Call me Ray,” he smiled and shook her hand. He was tall, and had the lean, muscular build of an athlete. Laurie motioned for him to sit.

He seemed surprisingly anxious, “You know, I’ve never been before. This place has kind of a reputation.”

Laurie looked around the cozy diner that was the Bean and Donut, “What kind?”

“Sort of a superhero Spago; like, if you’re eating here, you’ve arrived.”

“Watching dull thud put catsup on his tuna melt may make you rethink that particular analogy,” Lissette countered before turning serious, “So, how can I help you, Ray?”

“Well, maybe you’ve read about the group I’m trying to put together?” he asked after placing his order.

“I’m afraid not. I don’t really keep up with the trades now that I’m out of the business.”

Ray smiled. She wasn’t going to make this easy for him, “OK…. me and a couple of the younger guys are forming a new superteam, one that’s going to approach the job from a different perspective.”

“Let me guess, you’re going to be proactive?”

“That’s right.”

“The team will be looking to address real issues that concern society and will not be content just maintaining the status quo,” the young brunette shook her head, “No thanks. Been there, done that, bought the cast album.”

The man pressed on, “I know the New Battlers failed. And, without getting too personal, I know your time with them was… unpleasant. But the Maverix will be different. We’ve got a plan, and the will to implement it.”

Laurie had heard it all before, “Look, Ray, I don’t want to burst your bubble-“

“You couldn’t,” he stood and fished a jewel case from the pocket of his warm up jacket, “But I don’t want to sit here and try the hard sell on you, either. The disc in here has a summary of the Maverix as it exists so far, plus some cases that we feel deserve our involvement. Take a look at those,” his smile vanished, “See what some of these so called ‘superheroes’ are doing in the name of justice.”

The young lawyer took the CD reluctantly, “And if you guys manage to ‘wow’ me with your presentation, what should I do? Check out your website?”

Ordnance’s cocky grin returned, “You could do that. Or you could call the 800 number at the end of the video. I hope to hear from you. The team’s going to need a good attorney, I think. If we do our job right.”

Laurie couldn’t help but laugh at that last remark.

*****


There was a knock at Lisa’s office door. A moment later Laurie Leyton poked her head in.

“Got a minute?” she asked.

Lisa Waltz looked up from her pile of depositions and nodded to the young woman who, thanks to one of the Hooded Hood’s patented Convoluted Plots Against the Parodyverse TM, was at one point her designated replacement, “Sure, kiddo. What’s up?”

After taking a seat across from the amorous advoctrix’s desk Lisette showed her the CD ROM she had been given earlier, “Have you ever heard of a superteam called the Maverix?”

The First Lady of the Lair Legion thought a moment, “That’s the group the Shadowy Gunman’s old sidekick is leading, right? What’s his name? Quick Draw?”

“He calls himself Ordnance now,” Laurie nodded, “I met him. He offered me a position. On the team,” she hastily added, before Lisa could counter with a double entendre.

“Great. You going to take it?”

“I don’t know. I mean, these new groups always sound like a good idea, with their big plans and paradigm shifts, but I always worry about their ability to commit to the ideal. Most of the new heroes just don’t have the staying power.”

“And believe me, its important to have teammate’s with lots of staying power,” Lisa quipped.

“Oh, now that’s original,” Laurie muttered. She was silent for several moments before asking, “Do you know who Rodrigo Aguillera is?”

“Jeez, kid, you’re quite the quizmaster today. I’m really too busy to play Current Events right now.”

“Yeah? What are you working on?” Laurie stood and finally took a look at the papers on Lisa’s desk, “Wedding plans?”

“It has to do with Vizh’s problems, yeah.”

“Right. Like Visionary having to marry so far out of his league is such a problem,” Lisette rolled her eyes.

Lisa Waltz was a hairsbreadth away from commenting on the ex-Battler’s attitude in such a way that a less skillful attorney would have to worry about slander charges, but she caught herself, “Compared to Rodrigo Aguillera, Vizh has got it easy. That’s your point, right?”

Laurie felt her face go flush, “Well, yeah. Aguillera’s an American citizen, being held without charges in Guantanamo Bay and tortured by representatives of his own government.”

“I read the papers.”

“So why aren’t we doing something about it?” Laurie demanded.

“Amnesty International and the ACLU are on it. They’ve hired some good lawyers to plead his case,” Lisa shrugged, “Good, not great.”

“Then we need to get involved. This man’s rights are being violated, and we’re hoping conventional approaches will help him, when we know they’ve failed in the past.”

“Well, well, well,” Lisa commented airily, “Look who’s drunk the Maverix Kool Aid.”

Lisette didn’t respond to the taunt. Lisa sighed.

“Help, then, if you think it’s the right thing to do. You’re just wasting your time here with me if you’re expecting some kind of pep talk.”

“I’m not wasting my time. You know who is behind this: Mr. Epitome. He’s the one who captured Aguillera, he’s the one who sent him to Cuba, and he’s the one fighting all the efforts to free him.”

“Epitome has been a busy boy, yes.”

“A former Legionnaire,” Laurie said firmly, “is denying a citizen his Constitutional Rights, and you’re doing nothing about it.”

Lisa went back to her papers, “I thought you were going to do something. Stage a sit-in, maybe. Or write a protest anthem.”

But Lisette had worked herself up to the point that facetiousness was lost on her, “I plan on doing something. I just need some advice.”

“Well, that’ll cost you.”

Laurie would have been surprised if it were otherwise.

*****


It was two days later when Laurie got her first chance to help the Maverix. She had set up an appointment to meet with the man she hoped to convince to grant Rodrigo Aguillera is freedom.

“Miss Leyton, I must apologize,” Mr. Epitome said as he strode from his office with Glory at his heels, “The local authorities in Spooner have reported sightings of Musk Ox in their jurisdiction. Glory and I are going to fly out and capture him. We’ll have to reschedule our meeting.”

Laurie nodded. Musk Ox was one of the more dangerous supervillains in the Parodyverse: possessing enormous strength and invulnerability, “What if I come with you? We could talk on the way.”

The Paragon of Power stopped. Laurie Leyton was not exactly a civilian, as she had fought crime (to a point) as a member of the New Battlers and displayed remarkable physical courage while associated with the Legion. Still, it troubled him to bring someone without powers into a decidedly dangerous situation.

“Very well. But I request you remain in the Express once we land in Wisconsin.”

“That’s cool,” Lissette agreed as she bent down and scratched an appreciative Glory behind her ears. Laurie doubted there was much to see in Wisconsin anyway.

*****


The Epitome Express flew through the cloud cover over Persephone, Virginia and began its northwestward trek to the Dairy State. Once Dominic Clancy had plotted their course he swiveled in his pilot’s chair and considered Laurie, “How can I help you, Miss Leyton?”

The young woman matched his gaze, “I want to discuss the Aguillera case with you.”

“Ah,” he turned back to the airship’s console and began running unnecessary systems checks, “Then I’m afraid you’re going to be disappointed. No one in the Office of Paranormal Security has any comment on that subject at this time.”

“I like how you speak for an entire government agency,” Lisette noted with some ire.

“Its one of the benefits of a long career in public service. You’re entrusted with greater responsibilities.”

Laurie went on to exposit, “Rodrigo Aguillera was picked up at the Canadian border and taken into custody on the suspicion that he’s tied to Al Qaida and the weapons design group BALD. Your department questioned him for thirteen hours, denying him the right to an attorney or even charging him with any crime. Then, you personally requested the Attorney General to have the man classified as an ‘enemy combatant’ and shipped to Guantanamo Bay, where he has been systematically abused during interrogation.”

“The evidence that Mr. Aguillera has been ‘abused’ is questionable,” Epitome countered.

“It’s the man’s own journal! Smuggled out of Gitmo by someone who serves there. The Trombone has sources in the State Department corroborating the validity of the interrogation techniques that Aguillera details in his writings.”

“A person should be careful when adjudging the veracity of anonymous sources, especially ones coming from the State Department. There are elements there that disagree with the Administration’s current policy, and may be working to undermine it.”

“With good reason, it seems to me.”

“And to your new friends as well?” Epitome inquired mildly.

Lisette’s eyes narrowed, “What are you talking about?”

“Mr. Ray Hartmann and the rest of his group. The Maverix. We know they contacted you.”

“You’ve been following me?!” she asked dangerously.

“No, we’ve been monitoring them. OPS is charged with gathering and analyzing information on all metahumans in the United States. That includes those who designate themselves as superheroes.”

“I don’t believe this!”

“Really?” Dominic looked genuinely surprised, “I assumed you knew.”

Laurie was amazed, “You’re just so, so cavalier about spying on us!”

“Spying is a loaded term. We are gathering information. The same thing thousands of private groups do,” Dominic lectured, “The same thing the Lair Legion does.”

Lisa said Epitome might do this: say or do something disconcerting to change the subject. Lisette went back to the original topic, “This has nothing to do with the Maverix. Its about doing what’s right.”

“And you’re so sure releasing Mr. Aguillera is right?” Epitome checked.

“If you can’t find something to charge him with, then yes.”

Dominic didn’t respond.

Laurie continued, “The government is breaking the law. And if it doesn’t stop, we’re going to have to take action.”

“Who is ‘we’? The Maverix? The Lair Legion?”

“Sure. All it would take is one summons from Lisa.”

Mr. Epitome smiled coldly, “Let me tell you what would happen, Miss Leyton, if Miss Waltz chose to aid in the escape of an enemy combatant. First, Congress would take away those special protections that let the team act unilaterally and without fear of legal reprisal. Then, Miss Waltz would find herself detained, perhaps as an enemy combatant herself.”

“Never happen,” Lissette argued.

“I would make sure it happens,” Epitome replied, “The Legion is lucky it hasn’t happened yet.”

Glory perked up in her basket, concerned with what her partner was saying.

“If the Lair Legion aligns itself with an enemy of this nation, as you suggest, there would be no more Lair Legion. It would lose all law enforcement powers, and the special privileges that grant it tax-exempt status. The government, if it became necessary, would even go so far as to cancel the passports of those non-citizens on the team. They would be deported.”

“Dominic, you do not mean that!” Glory barked.

“For those exotic non citizens for whom deportation would be difficult, we’d detain them,” Epitome shrugged, “Not at Guantanamo, obviously, but in a similar venue.”

“But that could include Yo!!” Glory protested as she rose to her feet.

Dominic agreed, “And the Manga Shoggoth, Trickshot, the Librarian, Harlagaz Donarson, Hacker 9, --really, its amazing how few Americans are on the team’s roster- which, of course, has always been part of their problem….”

“You don’t have that kind of clout to dismantle the team like that,” Laurie claimed.

“Not right now, no. But if the Lair Legion were to do something to prove me right, to prove their unrestricted autonomy is a threat to our country, then, well, all the probability dancing, magic pocketwatches, and Kool Whip in the Parodyverse wouldn’t save them. And that is what will happen if they choose to get involved in this matter.”

Mr. Epitome began readying the Epitome Express for its descent, “Glory return to your seat. Miss Leyton, please fasten your safety belt. Our landing is imminent.”

The pair, though still reeling from severity and confidence of the Man of Might’s pronouncements, complied.



Next: Mr. Epitome versus Musk Ox. The Maverix are introduced. The fate of the Forgotten Man is revealed. And we might see some Legionnaires in this as well. “Insiders/Outisders,” out soon.









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